Romantic relationships bring beauty and a sense of fulfillment into our lives. However, some things can make relationships unhealthy or unbeneficial. Red flags tell you about underlying issues or future problems. In this guide, I’ll explain these relationship red flags, how to recognize them, and why you should know them.

 

How Trauma and Attachment Style Impact Red Flags

 

Seeing Red Flags is only sometimes as cut and dry as it appears. We all bring past childhood wounds and, sometimes, trauma into our relationships.

Our attachment styles are formed in relationships with our caretakers. We bring our anxious or avoidant ways of relating to others into our relationships, which colors our ways of seeing others. These ways of interpreting the actions of others and how we feel about ourselves are the filters with which we look at our relationships.

These old ways of relating that no longer serve us can manifest as projecting onto others, withdrawing because of anxiety, or using unskilled communication due to a lack of development in areas missing from our family of origin.

 

 

A trigger is when something happens in the present, and we are taken back to a past traumatic experience. We react with outdated defenses that we created when the trauma occurred. The problem is that when you operate from the past, you are in FEAR or in false evidence appearing real.

This is similar to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Sometimes, red flags occur when individuals have grown up with unresolved, unhealed trauma in their past. If we are conscious and willing, we can use our triggers to grow into new ways of seeing others and perspectives that come from the current reality instead of the past, and we can create healthier relationships.

 

How to Heal Trauma While in a Relationship?

 

Because such behaviors are unconscious, instead of jumping to the conclusion that this is a red flag, we can give the person a chance to correct or change what they are doing by sharing our observations and giving them the opportunity to meet your needs or request before assuming they are wrong, uncaring, or unsafe.

The idea of a red flag is a behavior that you will read about below that keeps showing up, and when the person is told, they ignore your concern. This differs from someone unknowingly acting or responding to outdated, immature ways of relating that were learned from their past. Often, partners can work through these unhealthy ways of relating and old patterns if they are patient, understanding, and willing.

 

What Is a Red Flag in a Relationship?

 

A red flag is a warning sign that something is off. It may show potential problems or issues with your romantic partner. While some are subtle and hard to notice, others are more obvious. Whichever type you see, they are there to tell you that there is something concerning your relationship.

Red flags help you detect issues early on before you invest too much into the relationship or before it causes you emotional harm. Get to know these telltale signs to protect yourself emotionally and avoid being hurt in a relationship that is not meant for you.

Inconsistent Communication and Behavior

Inconsistent communication and erratic behavior are some of the significant signs to monitor. Behaviors like

Ghosting is when your partner “abandons” you without explanation or notice. They just vanish, only to reappear as if nothing happened. This leads to a lack of trust, showing they’re emotionally unavailable, or late responses. When you’re not high on your partner’s priority list, they may take a long time to respond to your messages.

Hot and cold behavior, alternating between intense affection and distant indifference, can be emotionally draining and may signal underlying issues with attachment or commitment. Hot and cold behavior can leave you puzzled and emotionally drained. One moment, you’re showered with attention; the next, you’re treated with indifference.

As a result, you may feel anxious and confused and struggle to understand why this is happening to you and where your relationship is heading. Address these problems as they arise to prevent them from growing into larger ones. Your aim should be to communicate and expect the same from your partner. This is also known as breadcrumbing.

Controlling or Manipulative Behavior

Controlling or manipulative behavior is an early red flag for an abusive relationship. Some of these warning signs are:

Gaslighting, where your partner tries to manipulate you emotionally and causes you to doubt yourself. They might deny that things happened in the way you know they happened. They might come up with their own narrative and twist your words.

Making all the decisions: Your partner maintains they should have the final say in everything. These might be small things, such as what you wear or where you go. If it happens, it might be a sign of controlling behavior.

Using guilt or threats: Emotional blackmail, such as threatening self-harm if you leave or making you feel guilty for spending time with friends, is a major red flag.

Guilt-tripping or threatening you: Emotional blackmail is a major red flag. Threatening you or threatening to harm themselves in order to make you feel guilty because you spend time with friends is cause for concern and might hint at underlying mental illness.

Controlling behavior often starts subtly but can escalate over time. Recognizing these signs early and setting clear boundaries is crucial to protecting one’s autonomy and self-esteem.

Controlling behavior starts with subtle signs. However, it can quickly escalate into more abusive behavior. Setting healthy boundaries and recognizing the warning signs is essential.

Lack of Trust or Jealousy

Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. When trust is lacking or jealousy becomes excessive, it can create a toxic environment.

A healthy, functioning relationship is based on a solid foundation of trust. If this foundation is missing, and excessive jealousy results, the relationship becomes toxic.

• Constant suspicion: Your partner is always suspicious of where you’re going and who you’re spending time with and is concerned about your faithfulness.
• Invading privacy: Does your partner access your phone and messaging without your consent? This significantly violates trust and disrespect for your boundaries.
• Extreme jealousy: Even in the healthiest of relationships, there is always some jealousy from time to time. Jealousy, in its extreme form, however, can ruin your relationship.

Building trust in a relationship is a lengthy process that requires both parties’ willingness and commitment. If jealousy is always present, it may hint at insecurities or control issues.

Disrespect or Belittling Comments

Mutual respect is essential in any healthy relationship. Disrespectful behavior or belittling comments can erode your self-esteem and create an unhealthy dynamic.

Name-calling or insults: It’s unacceptable to call someone names or insult them and then justify the behavior by saying that “it was just a joke.”

• Dismissing your feelings: Your partner tells you what you feel is unjustified or invalid. They tell you that you’re being too sensitive. This is dismissive and disrespectful. No one can tell us how we feel. A supportive friend or partner listens and validates our feelings, acknowledging them as important because they care about us.
• Public humiliation: If your partner puts you down in front of other people, makes fun of you, or tells insensitive things about you behind your back, it is a red flag.

In a relationship, you deserve respect and kindness from your partner. Disrespectful behavior is not normal or acceptable, and there are no excuses for it.

Isolation from Friends and Family

A partner who tries to isolate you from your support network is displaying a significant red flag:

• Criticizing your loved ones: If your partner constantly finds fault with your friends and family, they may try to drive a wedge between you and your support system.
• Guilt-tripping: Making you feel guilty for spending time with others or prioritizing relationships outside of your romantic partnership is manipulative behavior.
• Monopolizing your time: While it’s normal to want to spend a lot of time together, especially in a new relationship, your partner should respect your need for other social connections.
• Monopolizing your time: You want to spend time together, especially in a new relationship. However, your partner should also respect your need for social connections.

Healthy relationships involve balancing the couple’s time and maintaining friendships and family relationships. Be wary of anyone who tries to limit your social world to just them.

The Relationship Feels Unequal

Relationships involve reciprocity from both parties. This is a red flag if one party is unwilling to compromise or only you make sacrifices.

Though no relationship is usually 50-50. There are times when one partner needs more support or resources. In healthy relationships, we do not keep score. We do what we need to support and care for the person we love.

However, one-sided decision-making is when your partner always wants the final say in everything and never considers your side. A refusal to compromise is a vital warning sign.

• Unequal effort: Is it always you who goes the extra mile? Is it always you who goes out of your way for your partner? If your efforts are not reciprocal, it brings imbalance into the relationship.
• Refusal to discuss issues: Your partner should want to listen to your concerns and issues about the relationship. They should be invested in the relationship’s growth and willing to work on problems together.

In a healthy relationship, mutual effort, responsibility, and open and honest communication should exist. If your efforts are consistently more significant than your partner’s, you should reassess your relationship.

Physical, Emotional, or Verbal Abuse

Any type of abuse in a relationship is a severe red flag that should not be tolerated. Types of abuse you may encounter are:

• Physical abuse: The slightest form of physical violence is unacceptable in a healthy relationship.
• Emotional abuse: Behaviors such as constant criticism, humiliating the other party, gaslighting, emotional neglect, or any behavior that diminishes your self-worth.
• Verbal abuse: If your partner yells at you, raises their voice, calls you names, or verbally insults you, it qualifies as verbal abuse.

Though you may be a victim of abuse, you always have a choice.

The choice to leave or seek help gives you power back and allows you to take responsibility for your side of the mistreatment.

Taking action around being abused is vital to lifting you out of a powerless, victimized place. If you think you are being abused, don’t keep it to yourself or stay quiet. The impact over time will take its toll on your emotional health. Reach out to people you trust or a professional to do a reality check and get support.

Ignoring or Dismissing Your Feelings

A partner who consistently ignores or dismisses your feelings is showing a lack of emotional intelligence and empathy. This form of behavior can look like the following:

• Minimizing your concerns: If your partner routinely tells you you’re overreacting or that your feelings aren’t valid, it’s a red flag.
• Lack of emotional support: When you’re going through a difficult time, your partner should be there for you. If they’re consistently unavailable or uninterested in your emotional needs, it’s a problem.
• Refusing to discuss emotions: A partner who shuts down any attempt to discuss feelings or issues may not be emotionally mature enough for a healthy relationship.
• Emotional connection and support are crucial components of a loving relationship. If you consistently feel unheard or unsupported, it may be time to reevaluate.

 

                     

Love Bombing

Love bombing is a manipulation tactic where someone showers you with excessive affection, attention, and gifts early in the relationship. 

While it may feel flattering at first, love bombing is often a precursor to controlling or abusive behavior. People like this usually declare their love very early in the relationship.

They overwhelm you with grand gestures or expensive gifts. They push for commitment. If you need space or time apart from each other, they make you feel guilty.

You may be particularly susceptible to love bombing if you were neglected or abused as a child. This kind of intense attention can feel like what you’ve been waiting for your whole life. Beware, though; love bombing is far from true love. It is given to ‘get’ something or someone. Genuine love is a heartfelt gesture, given without expecting something in return or having an agenda.

Emotionally Unavailable Partners

An emotionally unavailable partner can leave you feeling unfulfilled and frustrated. Emotionally unavailable partners have difficulty discussing feelings or emotions.

They avoid deep and meaningful conversations, as they cannot relate to your feelings or their own. When you try to get close emotionally, they pull away because they find it uncomfortable. They prioritize work or hobbies over the relationship. These are often people with Avoidant 

Attachment styles, which, again, can be worked with if there is trust and willingness. However, it could be a losing battle if the unavailable person is unwilling to look at this in themselves and change. 

Beware of seeing the ‘potential’ in someone rather than who they truly are or expecting someone to change when they are unwilling.

 

Setting Boundaries

 

Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is crucial for avoiding and addressing red flags in relationships.

Learn how to communicate your needs and expectations. Once you’ve set your boundaries, enforce them. Don’t compromise your values or self-respect just because you think that’s what your partner needs or wants. Healthy relationships involve mutual respect for each other’s boundaries.

 

Trust Your Instincts and Seek Help if Needed

 

 When it comes to red flags in relationships, one of the most important things to remember is to trust your instincts.

Listen to your gut: If something feels off in your relationship, pay attention to that feeling, even if you can’t quite put your finger on it.

Don’t ignore red flags: It can be tempting to make excuses for your partner’s behavior, especially when emotionally invested. However, ignoring red flags rarely leads to positive outcomes.

If you continue ignoring red flags and others’ bad behavior, look to yourself and ask how this might be serving you.

Do you believe that this is all you deserve? Are you settling because you don’t believe a high-quality, healthy relationship is possible?

Asking deeper questions about how you are participating in a dynamic that creates drama and abuse is critical in breaking this pattern. ‘Why’ questions can take you down a rabbit hole. Questions like ‘What am I doing to perpetuate this dynamic’ or ‘What in my past pulled me towards abusive or unavailable people’ are more empowering questions.

Seek outside perspective: Talking to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist about your relationship concerns can be helpful. They may be able to offer valuable insights or support. Sometimes, the shame we feel for allowing ourselves to be abused requires us to make amends to ourselves to never tolerate bad behavior again and to commit to only being treated with respect and kindness moving forward.

Remember to set boundaries and prioritize your own well-being. If you’re experiencing multiple red flags in your relationship, it may be time to seriously consider whether this relationship is healthy.

 

Conclusion

 

It’s important to recognize when you’re dealing with a relationship red flag and protect your emotional well-being. As discussed in this blog, every relationship has ups and downs, but persistent red flags do not belong in a healthy, fulfilling partnership.

Remember, you deserve a relationship built on mutual respect, trust, and support. If you’re experiencing multiple red flags or feel unsafe in your relationship, reach out for help.

Many resources, including therapists, counselors, and support groups, can provide guidance and support.

Trust your inner guidance to make the right decisions and have the courage to take the right action to stand up for yourself. Be aware of these warning signs and declare your intention to have a healthy, loving relationship in the future.