Understanding Attachment Styles
Attachment styles are bonding patterns from early childhood and your interactions with your parents or caregivers shape them. Later in life, these patterns persist and affect how you communicate, handle conflicts and express intimacy. Ultimately, they affect your romantic relationships as well. This is why it’s important to have a basic understanding of these patterns and their impact.
Origins of Attachment Theory
The concept originated from the groundbreaking work of psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in the 1940s and 1960s. Their research on child development revealed that early childhood experiences help determine our future relationships. They shape our expectations, behaviors, and emotional responses in intimate connections.
The Four Types of Attachment Styles
There are four main types of attachment styles, but mixed attachment styles also exist. The first style is the secure attachment style while the three others (anxious, avoidant and disorganized) are often called insecure attachment styles.
Secure Attachment Style
Individuals with the secure attachment style typically come from a family background where they received nurturing care. In their childhood, their caregivers consistently reassured them of their love.
These individuals are comfortable both with intimacy and indepence. They have a strong sense of self-worth, a clear idea about their needs and they can set and enforce boundaries. Having a secure attachment style also means having the ability to provide and receive emotional support.
Their good communication skills also come with healthy conflict resolution skills.
They are excellent partners who can maintain balanced, fulfilling relationships while supporting their partner’s growth and independence.
Anxious Attachment Style
The anxious attachment develops when the primary caregivers of a child provide inconsistent care or are emotionally unavailable. In a romantic relationship, these people might need frequent reassurance about their partner’s feelings.
Feeling safe is crucial for them, and they might have a fear abandonment or rejection. They tend to overthink a lot of things and are prone to relationship anxiety. They are very much tuned to their partner’s thoughts and feelings, or are even overly sensitive.
In intimate relationships, people with the anxious attachment style often have difficulty trusting their partner’s commitment and true intentions. Dating someone with anxious attachment could be challenging as the person needs constant confirmation of our love.
Although these behavioral patterns stem from an individual’s childhood, the good news is they can develop coping strategies.
Avoidant Attachment Style
The avoidant attachment style develops if the parent or caregiver consistently ignores or dismisses a child’s emotional needs. Adults with this attachment style typically prioritize personal freedom and independence.
They are vulnerable and struggle with emotional intimacy. They will also withdraw during conflicts or emotional discussions rather than solving the conflict. It is difficult for them to handle their partner’s need for closeness and might feel overwhelmed. The term “fearful avoidant attachment style” describes the concept that the person craves intimacy, but also finds it overwhelming.
Disorganized Attachment Style
Disorganized attachment often results from trauma or unpredictable caregiving. In romantic relationships, individuals with the disorganized attachment style might have conflicting desires for intimacy and distance. In one moment, they want to cling on to their partner, in the other, shove them away.
These inconsistent emotional needs also manifest in their relationships. It is hard for them trust their partner and they struggle with emotional regulation. Blowups and emotional outbursts might be frequent.
They also have difficulty maintaining stable relationships.
Relationship Dynamics and Attachment Styles
Communication and Conflict
Attachment styles in romantic relationships influence the way the partners communicate. Individuals with the secure attachment style tend to be direct and open. On the other hand, partners with the anxious attachment style might require constant validation of your feelings.
With the avoidant attachment style, dating is often like walking on eggs. Your partner would often withdraw, minimize their emotional expression and you never know if it’s because they feel insulted.
People with the disorganized attachment style have an inconsistent communication style, leaving you confused about their intentions.
Emotional Intimacy
Attachment styles in romantic relationships may also cause physical and emotional challenges. Emotional intimacy is not foreign to securely attached individuals, while anxious and avoidant attachers usually struggle withh it. The anxious attachment style causes people to struggle with fear of abandonment and rejection.
Contrarily, avoidantly attached individuals push their partner away as they are afraid of closeness.
Managing Attachment Styles in Relationships
Strategies for Securely Attached Couples
Be open and straightforward with your partner. You should create a safe space, a foundation of trust where you can discuss everything freely and respectfully. Support each other in every personal pursuit or activity. This way, you can always go back to your partner to find understanding.
Your relationship will be a safe place from where you can venture out to explore the world.
Strategies for Anxiously Attached Individuals and Couples
People with anxious attachment, should work on feeling comfortable seeking reassurance in moderation and at appropriate times. They need to know when “it’s too much” and learn that their partner loves them even without constant reassurance. Seeking reassurance is normal, but feeling anxious about should not be part of a healthy relationship.
Developing a stronger sense of self-reliance also helps these individuals to be less dependent on their partner. It altogether leads to a healthy dynamic in the relationship.
Strategies for Avoidantly Attached Individuals and Couples
Partners or individuals with the avoidant attachment style should learn to be vulnerable. Doing this is a process and they should gradually open up about their emotional and needs.
It is also important to recognize how important emotional connections are and with this knowledge in mind, work towards more intimacy.
Improving Attachment Patterns
The Role of Therapy and Self-Improvement
A relationship coach or therapist can help couples identify attachment issues and related behavioral patterns. Therapy or coaching is also useful for managing attachment-related challenges and building stronger communication skills.
Professionals can guide partners in identifying underlying attachment patterns, developing targeted strategies to manage relationship challenges, and building stronger communication skills.
Therapy and counselling can help couples create more secure attachment styles and be better at navigating conflicts. The result is a more resilient and understanding relationship.
Conclusion
It is important to understand how attachment styles affect relationships. Many people would also ask: Can you change attachment styles? Fortunately, it is possible, but it requires a lot of introspection and learning.
It may seem a daunting task, but it’s worth it. You can not only develop an understanding of yourself, but also change your attachment style. With an increased understanding, you will be able to develop coping strategies for yourself and for your partner. Your reward will be a loving relationship in which you feel securely attached, have intimacy and great communication.
Not sure where to start? First off, head over to my attachment style quiz and find out which attachment style you are. As a certified and experienced relationship coach, I am here to help to help you on your journey. Don’t hesitate to contact me, I am happy to help.
Frequently Asked Questions
How to deal with an anxious attachment partner?
It’s important for both partners to learn how to set healthy boundaries. The partner with the more secure attachment style should offer regular reassurance. There should be transparent communication between the partners and the goal is for the anxious attachment partner to get used to more independence.
Can two anxious attachment styles date?
Absolutely, just like any other two attachment styles can date. You need to be careful and understanding of your partner’s feelings and insecurities. Effective communication and having a mutual respect for each other is key. You should frequently reassure each other of your feelings.
Try to be consistent in your expression of love and affection so that your partner can rely on these feelings. You should also learn to set healthy boundaries. Give each other some space, but most importantly, discuss these boundaries. This way, both of you have a “set of rules” for your relationship.
What are some anxious attachment triggers?
Even though you’ve been working on your anxious attachment style, there can always be some triggers that cause your anxious attachment to “flare up”. It could be reassurance on something very important (such as a major plan) or the lack of approval from your partner. You might feel that your partner is keeping a physical or emotional distance from you.
If you feel that your partner dismisses your feelings or ignores you for something or someone else, it is justified that you feel anxious. As always, don’t wait until things get worse – communicate (not confront) directly with your partner about how you feel.
